It has been said that writing about music is like dancing about architecture. If this is the case, then I am about to metaphorically dance to the beats of a dilapidated maggot-infested shed missing a wall. So be it.

The rotting shed in question is “Hulk Rules” by Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band, a perfect example of the “if I am wildly popular at A, it stands to reason that I will be wildly popular at B” line of thought employed by many celebrities. Hulk surely thought to himself “if people pay good money to watch me jump off of turnbuckles, they'll pay to listen to me awkwardly rap, too”.

Sure, it sounds like a pretty fucking atrocious album. No doubt about it. But aren't you just a little tiny bit curious? Haven't you, like me, lied awake at night, wondering what it sounds like when Hulk Hogan raps? If so, my friend,  then here it the cure to your sleepless eves.

However, even with this burning curiosity, I wouldn't expect the majority of you to rush out and purchase this album. It would be understandably degrading to plop this down on a record store counter and have to listen to some lowly hipster snicker as he rings it up. So, for those who are not bold enough to get it, or who do not have the necessary dollar to spend, I will try to describe the experience for you.

Really, though, it's rather self-explanatory. Hulk Hogan rapping sounds like Hulk Hogan rapping. Just like fingernails on a chalkboard sound like fingernails on a chalkboard or shrieking puppies being dipped in cauldrons of boiling lard sound like shrieking puppies being dipped in cauldrons of boiling lard. That is, exactly what you'd expect and not altogether pleasing on the ears.

The puncture-your-ear-drums-in-self-defense-and-run-for-the-hills rapping that appears on this album is a type I refer to as the Stay-In-School strain. Meaning, the type that sounds like it was penned by some freak in a suit trying to sound “hip” and “dudical” in tricking kids to like school or not smoke dope. It's a repetitious cadence constructed in the format of “duh duh duh/duh duh, duh duh” For example: “stay in school/cuz it is cool” or a slightly longer version: “hey there kids/if you do drugs/your skin will feel like/it's covered in bugs”. That sort of thing. The Hulkster is a huge proponent of this style and doesn't really stray from it in any of his rap songs.  It's a comical interpretation of the genre, a dead giveaway that the singer doesn't even understand what he's trying to imitate (this is furthered by Hulk singing the line “I was walkin' down the beach lookin' for some action/Had my radio set on a rap rap station” ‘Rap rap'? Huh?) Hulk does it well, for what it's worth, as we can see in catchy verses such as: “Try to do good each and every day/Don't give up nothin' bad to say/Always go swimming with a buddy/Work real hard and always study/If you want to be real real cool/Don't be so stupid and play the fool”  (As you can see, many of the rhyming schemes were obviously formed using the counting on fingers method. “Hmm, brutha, what rhymes with tough? A-uff, buff, cuff,” etc, until “rough! Yeah!”)

Of course, “Hulk Rules” is not strictly a rap album. Lest you think the Hulkster is a one trick pony, he effortlessly slaughters a wide swath of genres, clumsily diving into the deep waters of country, rock, synthesizer jams, and even somber ballads. Or, as the liner notes put it “Hulk rocks, Hulk raps, Hulk delivers a poignant ballad.”               

The musical style may awkwardly lurch back and forth between types, but the lyrical message remains consistent: “I'm Hulk, and I Rule. I have some advice for you little hulkamaniacs, and if you listen, you will Rule too”. At one point he warns about the dangers of drugs and instructs his legions of fans on how to react to being offered some: “Can you feel the music, can you feel the beat/ You don't need drugs to move your feet/ When the dealer tries to push on you/ Just tell him what you're gonna do” Which leaves you wondering, OK, what am I going to tell him I'm going to do?, and then the chorus arrives with your answer: “I want to be a hulkamaniac” So, apparently, when offered drugs, you're supposed to reply to the shady dope-peddler “I want to be a hulkamaniac.”

Let's ponder for a moment the wisdom of such a response. If you simply take the drugs offered, you'll probably get high and feel good for a little bit. If you say “naw” and walk away, the worst you'll get is a snarled “Little bitch!” or something. No harm done. However, if you look down at the baggie curled up in the dealer's hand, then look up, lock eyes and tell him “I want to be a hulkamaniac”, you will likely be pounded into a bloody union of facial tissue and cement.

The Hulkster offers up plenty of other tips to the kiddies, too. The importance of friends, America, Harley Davidsons, and biceps are all stressed. In particular, the virtues of taking your vitamins is extolled on a number of occasions: “With the trainin' and the prayers and the vitamins too/Don't mess with us or we'll beat you too” he sings. Other, more oblique references to the results of taking these vitamins can be found, like “When he steps into the ring he's ready for a fight/His twenty-four inch pythons are loaded up tonight” At one point Hulk even says, and I quote “Oooh...look at that new vein in my tricep”

But you see, the thing is, Hulk eventually admitted to steroid use, and I'm guessing that had a bit more to do with the python-puffing than a few tablets of Vitamin C did. Thus, it's an annoying cop-out, doing steroids on the side to bulk up and then telling kids to gnaw on some Flintstones vitamins if they wanna be like him. I wish he'd be honest and rap “listen up/girls and boys/we're going to learn/about ster-oids/ plunge the needle/into your flesh/pretty soon/ look at your chest/  you'll be the toughest/ for your age/ and have unexplained bouts/ of uncontrollable rage Chorus: so if you wanna be just like the hulk/do it up, do it up” But no, instead he insults us with “If you want to be a Hulkamaniac/ I can sure tell you how to stay on track / You gotta train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins too/ These are all the things that Maniacs do” (And as a side note, I must point out the obvious--maniacs don't do shit like that! “Ooh I'm takin' Vitamin C and lovin' God, I'm so wild and dangerous”)

Hulk's steroid-gobbling might also explain the mood swings evident on the album. At one point he will ‘rap' (ahem) “Everybody's talking trash, but he knows that talk is cheap/If you mess with the Hulkster he'll rearrange your teeth”, and then mere seconds later the mood has spun around to “If you ever get in trouble and you need a helping hand/Just call on the Hulkster and he will be your friend/He'll stand up for your freedom, he'll stand up for your rights/United you both will stand, together you will fight”

Beyond that, a few lines of odd, bordering-on-psychosis lyrics pop up at strange points in the middle of all the ‘yea for america, yea for my biceps' stuff, like “You'll be six feet deep if you touch my girlfriend/You know this homeboy can lose control”

Particularly creepy is the song “Hulk's the One”, sung and presumably written by the Hulkster's wife. The song title would lead you to believe it's a stand-by-your-man ode, but the lyrics reveal something else entirely, a “what have I done, I'm trapped with this psycho” plea, with lines like “My friends all tell me I'm under your spell/But I'm too blind to see” and “When you turned on the charm, I heard the alarm/I should have called the police”  Shucks, how romantic. I half-expected her to begin singing something like “when you slammed your pythons into my face/I thought I should have run/but through the blood covering up my eyes/I knew that this was love”

During other sections of the recording, Hulk doesn't seem psychotic, he just seems, well, weird. This is particularly evident in the various “fade out” endings to the songs, where the music decreases in volume as Hulk delivers some bizarre one-liners. To illustrate, here is the ending to “Hulkster's Back”, verbatim: “Yo Ted Turner, you wanna arm wrestle?/ What's up, dawg? / Check out the pump, chump! / Riding my Harley D in the wind, brother / Test the power! / Training, prayers, and vitamins” Or, the fadeout to “Beach Patrol”: “Hey girlfriend! / Yo dudes, should we call 911? / Whoops there it is, slam into it baby, slam into it, slam into it...homeboy / Backseat baby...when you're ready/ Yo dudes! / Hey girlfriend / Whoop there it is, whoop there it is, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoop there it is”

You get quite the vivid mental image if you try to picture Hulk delivering these lines in a recording studio; I can't help but think he ran into the room and belted them out in a semi-coherent steroid-induced rage, that initially sounded like “YO DUDES HOMEBOY WHOOPS SLAM INTO IT VITAMINS BACKSEAT TED TURNER BABY”, and was later edited into the vaguely more coherent final version. Upon completing his parts, Hulk probably got a weary nod from the recording engineer, and next up was back-ups, delivered by some meek, starving, desperate-for-a-buck studio musician singing with his head down: “I want to be a hulkamaniac, have fun with my family and friends” Poor guy. One would imagine this appearance will appear rather low on his resume, somewhere after “I spent two months mugging blind people on the street with my flute”.

As I listened to the last song play out with its refreshingly modest refrain “Whoa... whoa...the Hulkster rules! Oh yeah!”, I read through the liner notes with a chuckle, thinking “Boy, I'm glad it's not the 80's anymore” as the synthesizers blared in the background. The notes were hilarious:  “Millions of adults and children in the United States and around the world know that Hulk Hogan is the most powerful force in the universe.” Ha! Next page: “Hulk Hogan: Hulk Rules brings a new dimension to the Hulkamania phenomenon, as the huge pythons wrap themselves around the world of music and bring it into Hulk's control.” Ba ha ha! Sure thing, brutha!  And then I saw the copyright, the year this fiasco was slapped together and released to the world: 1995. 1995?!!? That'd be like Joe Piscopo deciding that the time is now ripe for him to enter the rap world. Or for Kriss Kross to go to a Hollywood studio tomorrow and pitch their idea for a new major motion picture about themselves. 1995! Hulkamania at that time had wilted into a condition that was about as socially acceptable as Pyromania

Unbelievable. See, I was of the mindset that most celebrity albums were done at the peak of fame before the star burns out, ideas sprung forth from humongous egos thinking their talents were limitless, knowing no boundaries. In the case of Hulk, though, the album was put out at the lowest point of his wrestling career, so perhaps it was a panicky, “Gotta try something else”. Thus, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that 1997 brought us the Hulk Ballet concert, and 1999 saw the release of Hulk Hogan Performs Open Heart Surgery, Brutha! on video.