As we noted earlier this issue, certain things are, admittedly, realistic targets for accusations of Satanism. For example, take the metal band Dark Funeral. Their 2001 album, “Diabolis Interium”, (which was the followup to their 2000 opus “Teach Children to Worship Satan”) kicked off with a little tune called “The Arrival of Satan's Empire” that had lyrics like this:
Hell lord, unholy father / Your wish is my command.
I will cut the liar throat / Christian blood will fall to the ground.
Angel tears fall to the ground, as Satan again will reign.
Now, if a preacher happened to stumble across that tune and gasped “Th-they're promoting Satan!” upon hearing it, the obvious response would be “No shit, father”. That's exactly what they're doing. Accusing someone who says “Man, I love the devil” of loving the devil is sort of a no-brainer.
And heck, even the stuff we've looked at so far makes some sense in a twisted, pretend-for-a-second-that-you're-a-nut kind of way. The people who see satan everywhere are probably so anti rock music that they're suspicious of any kind of guitar-based song, even if the people playing the guitars proclaim themselves to be Christians and sing quite clearly about Jesus. Likewise, the Harry Potter books do have wizards in them and that's probably a red flag for some of these folks, even though the wizards are, you know, make believe and all. It's all still nutty as hell, yes, but if you think about it hard enough you can sort of see why these targets became targets.
But what about something that seems completely harmless in nature, something almost angelic that has not even a remote connection to the netherworld of demons and creepy spirits? Something like toys, for example. If a person accuses a fucking toy of being satanic in nature, has that crossed the line into utter, no-turning-back insanity?
Let's take a look.
First off, understand that we're talking about plain-old-toys here. Not stuff you'd buy as a gag gift for a goth friend, but, rather, the run of the mill crap filling up buckets at Toys ‘R Usses across the country. Cuz sure, if there was a hot-selling “Beelzebuddy” that squeaked things like “Sacrificin' goats—hooray!”, we could reasonably expect staid preachers to lose their shit over it. But that's not what we're talking about here—this is stuff like the Smurfs, My Little Pony, He-Man, hell, even the fucking Gummi Bears.
To understand this odd phenomenon, we must turn to the Godfather of the toys-are-
satanic movement, Mr. Phil Phillips, graduate of the prestigious Christ of the Nation college and author of celebrated works of investigative journalism such as “The Truth About Power Rangers”.
Phillips has amassed an impressive canon, penning nearly a dozen books from “Halloween and Satanism” to the perennial favorite “Dinosaurs: The Bible, Barney & Beyond”. However, Turmoil in the Toybox is without doubt his most famous and culturally significant work. It begins with a story about a vacation his family took when he was three years old. Everything was going just dandy until they were hanging out at a rest stop and little Phil decided to show his dad how fast he could run. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to showcase his running skills because as he backed up to get in position, he fell into a pit full of human shit.
Choking and gasping for breath, Phil fought back against the “green, slimy sewage” that had swallowed him whole. Just in time, before dying a somewhat-less-than-dignified death, his dad reached in and yanked him out. “That sewage must have been piling up for some time” Phil recalled later “because green slime and other refuse were floating around in it”.
It seems like a kind of bizarre anecdote to begin a christian book with, but Phil quickly hammers home his point: “I liken this experience I had as a child to the plight of many Christians….. they are unaware of the ‘pits' which surround them, pits that contain spiritual sewage” (emphasis in original).
True that. But it wasn't until years later, after the shit-soaked youngster had grown up and graduated that the connection of being an anti-toy crusader was made.
It happened normally enough. One day, while driving to Texas, the young minister heard a voice inside his head say “Phil, do you know what happens when children play with a toy?”
Now, if I was speeding down the road when suddenly I heard voices in my head asking me about toys, I'd throw my hands up into the air and groan “Great, I'm fucking insane!”
But Phil Phillips is a better man than I. He recognized the voice as not a symptom of schizophrenia, but as Good Ole God's: “The Lord and I have a good relationship” he explained later. “He knows that I know how to hear him”
As he continued to drive, he replied “No, Lord, what?'
“Phil, through toys… Satan is gaining control of millions of children everywhere. I want you to do something about it” God answered, still speaking directly into Phil's brain.
And so, rather than high-tailing it to the nearest insane asylum to demand powerful pills, Phil went and checked out some toys. What he found was quite disturbing.
God hadn't been kidding around. Everywhere Phil looked, he found occultic symbols and demonic influence in the molded pieces of plastic. As the Lord had instructed, Phil did something about it, starting up a ministry to combat Satan's Toy Workshop of Depravity.
During the start-up phase of this project, he was taking pictures of some of the evidence he had collected, but the photos all turned out poorly. Rather than sighing “Not only am I a delusion-ridden wreck of a man, I'm a piss-poor photographer, too” Phil instead lamented “It was apparent to us that Satan was trying to keep this ministry from being launched” (As a sidenote, Phil tends to blame Satan for just about everything. His pitiful life is, according to him, a direct result of the dark one's meddling. For example, he says “The week before leaving to speak [at a school], our entire family became very ill. Satan did everything possible to keep me from ministering to hundreds of teenagers.” Ah, it was SATAN'S fault! Or how about “Some of our services have been attacked by witches and Satanists. In one service, my equipment was destroyed in a freak accident, and a paint bomb was exploded, spraying red paint everywhere. It seems that every time we speak out against Satanism, Satan hits myself, my family, and the ministry- in all areas, especially financially.”)
Eventually, Phil was able to give Satan the stiff-arm and launch his ministry successfully, leading to numerous speeches and books in which he warned about the really-really-really-well-hidden demonic side of toys, helpfully pointing out the spiritual pits of shit that trip so many of us up.
Phil may have been the first person to accuse pieces of plastic of having satanic connections (that I know of, at least), but he is most certainly not alone anymore; indeed, there are numerous other christian luminaries who similarly warn of demonic influence in popular children's toys. They all seem to keep coming back to the same targets, too, so let's take a look at each individual toy and see what the critics are getting so worked up about.
To keep a healthy sense of perspective throughout this examination, we will compare each toy with Dark Funeral lyrics to see how they stack up. Because naming an album “Teach Children to Worship Satan” is probably as close as you can get to actually wanting to, um, teach children to worship satan. So it will serve as an excellent control to determine if the accusations leveled at these toys really hold water.
Let's take a look at a couple of them:
Background: “My Little Pony is a wonderful introduction to fantasy play for little girls. This treasured brand offers the joy of a pure play experience and fosters important values like kindness, thoughtfulness and the importance of friendship” – from Hasbro.com
Dark Funeral lyric: “Demon hordes from realms below / Show the mighty force of hell / When angels forever die / When satan has arrived / When satan rules the world for eternity” – from “When Angels Forever Die”
Analysis: Full of “new age concepts”, “occult symbolisms” and “demonic looking cohort”s, My Little Pony is attacked from many angles but takes particular heat for its depiction of unicorns.
David Bay, Director of Old Paths Ministries, explains: “Everyone loves horses, but these are not your everyday horses. These horses can levitate, or fly through the air. Most people do not realize when they see someone or something flying through the air that this phenomenon is pure Satanism.” Hmmm… ‘someone or something'—so, the next time you see a bird or an airplane, point a cross at it.
Even more damning is the revelation that when God was writing the bible, he utilized a “unicorn-type animal” in depicting the antichrist. Bay has grave words regarding this “Your children are being manipulated into believing a lie, and setting them up to accept the Anti-Christ when he arises (sic)”.
Phil is less harsh, conceding that the ponies are “cute”, but he still finds troubling aspects to the My Little Pony cartoon. Flying dragons, half men half goats, wizards—it's an occultic, jumbled mess of new age nonsense that places the power of the rainbow over the power of Jesus. He doesn't come out and outright accuse satan of penning the scripts, but he does note, as Bay did, that “the unicorn is a symbol of the anti-christ”. Also, there is a wizard in the cartoon who lives among mushrooms, and according to Phil some drug users eat mushrooms.
Finally, the beloved author Texe Marrs goes even further in his book “Ravaged by the New Age: Satan's Plan to Destroy our Kids”, where he recognizes the anti-christ connection while adding “Also note the double zigzag (‘SS') near the pony's tail. This represents the seig rune, the pagan symbol of Satan.”
Conclusion: Levitation and double zigzags aside, I'm going to have to go with Dark Funeral for this one.
Pokemon
Background: “The concept of Pokémon evolved from insect collecting, a simple pastime many Japanese children had enjoyed in the past. The Pokémon games allowed players to catch, collect, and train pets with various abilities, and battle them against each other to build their strength and evolve them into more powerful Pokémon. The Pokémon creatures never bleed or die, only faint” – from Wikipedia.org
Dark Funeral lyric: “I AM ONE WITH SATAN / I AM THE HORNED BEAST / … MY BODY IS A TEMPLE / WHEREIN ALL DEMONS DWELL. A PANTHEON OF FLESH AM I / … HAIL ME THE HORNED ONE I AM THE BEAST / REGE SATANAS, AVE SATANAS, HAIL SATAN !” - from “Ineffable Kings of Darkness”
Analysis: A popular and seemingly harmless franchise consisting of card games, video games, movies, and toys, Pokemon nevertheless has received intense criticism from the religious right for its supposedly occultic side.
In his article “Pokemon: Children Having Fellowship With Devils”, the reverend Joseph Chambers levels heavy firepower at defenders of the ‘pocket monsters', as they are suspiciously referred to. “A game like Pokemon would not even exist if there were not something real about the whole subject of Satan and his psychic powers” he explains convincingly “When someone suggests that it is just a game, fun, or entertainment; only very naïve people believe them”.
People who are not naïve will realize, like the Rev chambers does, that Pokemon toys are “the ultimate trip in Satan's world of deception, paranormal powers, and the Luciferian dream of being the ‘master'”.
As for why Pokemon is a satanic game, Chambers points out that it features a 
Lightening (sic) Bolt. As we learned in the Harry Potter chapter, nazis used lightning bolts from time to time. Chambers has a new charge: “Satanists love to use the lightening (sic) or thunderbolt”. Man, everyone evil seems to like those things! I'm never looking at the San Diego Chargers the same way again, I'll tell you that much.
Brett Peterson's catchily titled article “Pokemon – Just another ‘fad'? Read on! A Christian perspective” levels similar claims. Satan influences Pokemon, he explains, because “It opens up players to the demonic realm, channeling... and possession”. Authors Berit Kjos and David L. Brown, among others, have also penned similar articles warning about occultic and demonic aspects to the pokemon franchise.
One of these gripping articles was emailed to children's pastor Mark Juvera, who had already been mildly concerned by his son's dabbling in Pokemon. Kjos's screed convinced him the shit was serious, so he proceeded to do the only sensible thing: gather 85 of his church's kids together and burn Pokemon trading cards to a crisp with a blowtorch in front of them. I'm sure you'd do the same thing if you were in his shoes.
After the torching Juvera then, according to accounts, tied a Pokemon doll down to an altar and sliced and diced it with a two and a half foot long sword. (This wasn't mere theatrics, mind you—it was later explained by fellow pastor Mark Cowart that the “way you come down against the powers of darkness is with the sword of the spirit”. Or, alternately, the Blowtorch of the Biblical. That tends to work too)
The Denver Post reported that as Juvera went to work on the spirit-infested pocket monsters, the kids chanted “burn it!” and “Chop it up! Chop it up!”. His own son, now properly reformed, then tore the limbs and head off a Pokemon doll, making for a presumably touching father/son moment.
The only adults present for the torching were Juvert and Cowart, but at least some of the parents appeared to approve afterwards. “You need to get them when they're young” said one “They can't be worshipping these things.”
There was a bit of backlash when word of the incident got out, but Cowart staunchly defended Juvera's actions. When you're competing against Hollywood, he explained, you've got to do something bold to get the attention of children. And Pokemon is a worthy target, he felt. “It's got sugar coating on it, but, underneath, it's poison”.
And if all that's not enough, reportedly playing the “Pokemon Rap” song backwards reveals that the tune is actually saying “I love satan” over and over again. Apparently this means that the creator of Pokemon was sitting around in a recording booth singing “I love satan! I love satan!” and then on a whim played it backwards and was delighted to discover that it sounded like “gotta catch ‘em all” which became the Pokemon slogan.
Conclusion: This is a tough one. Pokemon says “I love Satan” backwards, and that's pretty damning. But... Dark Funeral says “Hail Satan” forward, so I'm giving them the nod for this one. Damn-- two in a row, Dark Funeral!
So, you get the idea. Others toys that have come under fire (generally for supposed “occultic” ties and other scary stuff like “humanism”) include: the Cabbage Patch Kids, the Gummie Bears, the Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, the Smurfs (“blue demons” that teach little kids “to call upon (a) goat in times of extreme trouble”), He-Man, and dozens of others.
In Turmoil in the Toybox, Phil admits that many of these targets probably seem harmless. But, he says, through these “‘cute and innocent' toys, a wedge is inserted to make a wider gap for Satan and his influences to enter a child's mind”
That's a pretty bold accusation to make against these toymakers—purposely trying to create a wedge inside of a child's mind to give Satan easy access is one of the worst things a person can do. So, in order to exhibit the absolute rock solid journalistic fairness that You Idiot is known for, I contacted the toy producers to get their side of the story. The following letter was sent to Hasbro:
From: Amyroberts67@yahoo.com
Subject: Question about MLP and the Occult… please help!!!!
Hi! Hope you have time to answer my question, I wasn't able to find my answer on your FAQ section.
Anyway, my name is Amy Roberts and I'm a mother of two little girls, one aged 7 and one aged 9 and they are both the biggest fans of My Little Pony! I bought them the Butterfly Island Sunny Scent Apple Spice Pony and the Sunny Adventures with Blossomforth Pony and they just simply love them, playing with them all the time.
So here's my question: when I was at our church's book sale the other day I happened to find a book called “Turmoil in the Toybox” by a man named Phil Phillips. I must admit, I was intrigued (and concerned) by the premise so I paid the quarter and brought the book home.
Well, now I've read it and I must say that I'm a little scared after reading the section on My Little Pony. Here's some of the things Mr. Phillips said about the ponies:
“Because these toys are based on mythological creatures, they are occult. Mythology is in contradiction to god's word” (page 79). This is after he talked about some pegasus thing I didn't really understand.
“The unicorn is a symbol of the anti-christ” (page 79)
All that scared me just a little, but at the end of the chapter mr phillips said “after reading this chapter, it is hoped that you have gained a better understanding of some of the subtle means that Satan uses to take control of a child's mind”. I just about jumped out of my seat! Later that night my little girl said “mommy, my little pony makes me feel magical” and I swear I broke out into a sweat!
Anyway, before I bring all of this up at our church meeting this week, I wanted to get your side of the story. Are these accusations true?
Thanks so much!
I sent the same letter to each toy maker I could find, changing the product names and book quotes as needed. The response, unfortunately but predictably, ranged from non-existent to public relations boilerplate.
Hasbro's was: “In response to your concerns, the My Little Pony product line is simply a toy line which is intended for fun and entertainment. It is not based on. Please be assured I have passed your comments to our upper management team”. Uh, ok, but it's not based on what? They didn't even complete their fucking sentence!
The sales director for Cabbage Patch Kids was slightly more illuminating: “Thank you for taking the time to write to us. Although we are not familiar with the book you read or the specific accusations made against our Cabbage Patch Kids, we can assure you that there are no ‘new age, occult, violent or satanic influences' that have invaded the Cabbage Patch Kids”.
Now, that may seem reassuring, but I am relatively confident that Phillips or any of the other critics would just say “These toymakers don't even realize that satan, in his infinite trickery, has possessed them. They may think they're producing ‘cute' ‘toys', but in reality it is sickening, diabolical, humanistic filth” in response. Or something.
And that's what it comes down to, I suppose, when you're dealing with imaginary spirits and shadowy demons-- you just make shit up! And when someone points out the holes in your argument, you just fire back with “no, these are invisible demons” and “well, a possessed person isn't going to realize they're possessed”.
It's bad news for all the christian musicians, fantasy authors, and toy manufacturers out there, but it seems to work pretty well.
